Missing Aimee

Today is the three-month anniversary of my sister-in-law's passing. 

I miss Aimee. 

I miss her friendship and her support. I miss her laugh, her high-wattage smile. 

I mourn that I won't see that smile again. I mourn over a friendship lost. I mourn that she won't be there to see her daughter grow up, and that she won't be a part of my own children's lives. 

I mourn her. I miss her. And I love her for having been the very best sister to my husband and the very best sister-in-law I could have asked for. 

Sometimes, I still feel angry and sad and frustrated about Aimee's death. Today though, I am grateful for Aimee's life. For her optimism. For her strength. For the example she set for me and for all those around her. 

She was the best person I knew, and I'm so very thankful that I got to be part of her too-short life. 

{Photos courtesy of Pat Rhoads}

Those Pesky New Year's Resolutions

I'm pretty bad at keeping my New Year's resolutions.

Go to the gym every day? Ehh, I'd rather sit here on the couch and...exercise my eyelids.

Eat healthier? Oh, look! A block of cheese! ALL FOR ME.

Keep in better touch with friends? *Distracted by shiny things* *Feels guilty*

Hmm.

But I really have been trying to keep my resolution for 2012, which is to find more peace in my life.

Namely...

To stop and breathe when I get overwhelmed and to be grateful for the things I have
To speak up, to communicate, whenever I get frustrated/angry/sad instead of bottling things up
To spend quality time with the ones I love and to delve into new activities that make me happy
To enjoy my writing--'cause what a fun profession it can be!--instead of dwelling on my failings

So, lately, I've been trying to figure out photography. It's a hobby I've wanted to take up for years and, yes, I've become one of those annoying people who tote around my camera wherever I go. Still, I like being annoying! And I love capturing moments of daily life--moments that would flutter away otherwise.

{My fab friend Allie and me}

{Eating lunch with my dad and grandma}

Not the best photographs art-wise! But these pictures show the people I love so that's what counts, right?

I've been lucky enough to spend time with my best friend Allison in the last couple weeks. We met on the first day of seventh grade (I was the new girl at school) and we've been crazy, giggly friends ever since. Nowadays, Allie lives in San Francisco but we get to see each other a couple times a year, which I look forward to more than Cadbury Mini Eggs. (And I have a deep abiding love for Cadbury Mini Eggs!)

I've also been spending more time with my paternal grandmother, my NaiNai. She's turning 89 this year and she isn't as as mobile as she used to be. So...she wants to hire me as her maid! Haha, isn't that hilarious? I would never let my grandma pay me for housekeeping--I mean, she changed my diapers as a kid!--but I still chuckle at the notion.

Anyway, I know I have a lot of room for growth when it comes to my 2012 New Year's resolution but I'm trying to keep at it--and I think it's making a difference. At least, I'm feeling the difference.

Yay for peace and friends and grandmas!

Hey, look! My friends write books!

Ahem! Please pardon the cheesiness of this blog post title.

(But it rhymes! I couldn't resist!)

Yesterday afternoon, I ventured to the adorable indie bookstore One More Page to attend a signing with Miranda Kenneally and Jessica Spotswood. Miranda wrote the YA contemporary novel Catching Jordan while Jessica wrote the YA fantasy-with-an-alternate-history-twist Born Wicked.

Both books = AWESOMENESS!

(Awesomeness is not a word but it is sure fun to say!)

{Miranda and Jess read excerpts from their books.}

{Lynn Colt, Miranda, Jessica, Me}

In some ways, this signing was a bit surreal to me....

'Cause I remember reading an early draft of Born Wicked, back in February '11, and I thought to myself: This book is going to sell. I love it so much, and it features such a strong heroine who girls should look up to. Fast forward to now, Jess has toured the country to promote Born Wicked and here she is fielding Q&A sessions at a book signing!

And I remember reading an ARC of Miranda's book Catching Jordan back in September '11. I thought to myself then: This book is laugh-out-loud funny and so incredibly well-written. And it features such a strong heroine who girls should look up to. Fast forward to now, Miranda has appeared on TV shows to discuss her novel and she's already working on her third manuscript for her publisher.

It's amazing how much can happen in the span of a year or even the span of a few months. And I can't be prouder of Miranda and Jess, who have worked so hard for their success and who have written two amazing protagonists who are strong yet vulnerable, capable yet flawed, and just completely real.

Brava, ladies!

On a related note, the bookstore presented Miranda and Jess with bottles of champagne after the signing. How awesomely nice is that?! Lynn and I totally looked at each other and said, "If we ever get our books published, we're coming here ASAP!"

Ah, free stuff.

:)

Weekend Wrap-Up

Ah, man. Monday, already? This weekend went far too fast! 

Yesterday morning, I curled up on the couch with a bowl of scrambled eggs mixed with bacon, scallions, and low-fat sour cream. Um, it's sort of delicious! And not very good for me! But calories don't count on Sundays, right? 

Maybe?

Anyway, on Saturday afternoon, the weather peaked in the mid-60s so I headed over to a local garden to snap some pictures with my new camera. *Hugs camera* I was pleasantly surprised to find a few of the cherry blossom trees in bloom! This means spring is almost here. Hopefully.

{Cherry blossoms in bloom!}

{Spring must be around the corner.}

Suffice to say, I'm super ready for winter to retreat back into its cave! I want to wear skirts and shorts and flowy dresses. I suppose I shall pray to the Weather Gods.

The rest of the weekend was spent revising and reading, namely whittling down my library pile. See, I'm trying to cut back on my book spending, mostly because I could spend $100 a day on books if I let myself. Also, I've bought some lemons in the past and that makes my brows furrow like this...  >: (

It's no fun getting all excited about a book and buying it and then...that awful disappointment. And hey, books ain't cheap! 

{The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight} 

{The Hunger Games}

I've been re-reading The Hunger Games (yet again) as inspiration for my WIP and because the movie is almost upon us! My excitement cannot be expressed in words! Eeep! 

So how was your weekend?

Saturday Six

One

The big news of the week... 

I got a new camera!

Since Justin and I will be doing some traveling in the next few months, I figured it was finally time to get a DSLR. I've wanted one for years, but I've hesitated due to the pricing. Fortunately, I scored a great deal on an older Nikon model on eBay. It's nothing fancy but I'm sorta in love! 

I'm totally holding the camera wrong, aren't I?

Two

So I've been tinkering around a little with the Nikon, snapping shots outside and whatnot. 

Um, I'm not very good? Haha. 

I'm thinking about taking a photography class (maybe with Sarah McClung!) to teach me how shutter speed, aperture, and ISO all relate together. So many numbers! So confusing to my math-challenged brain!

I haven't moved onto live subjects yet....

Three

Okay, one more picture from me? 

The sweet and fabulous Jessica Spotswood has finally returned from her book tour and I caught up with her this week. (Have you read Born Wicked yet? Why not?!)

Jess was kind enough to lend me an ARC of Leigh Bardugo's Shadow & Bone! I'm already on page 75. Such a well-drawn fantasy world! 

You can check out the amazing final cover here!

Four

Aieee! 

We are T minus 23 days from The Hunger Games movie premiere! EW just released three new photo stills from the film, and I'm especially intrigued by this one with President Snow and Seneca Crane. 

Via EW.com. Image credit: Murray Close.

I'm really glad that the director added a scene with President Snow at his rose garden. (Yeah, I'm nerding out here, aren't I? Come on, you love it. Ha!) Anyway, I can't wait to see how the movie and book differ. 

Nerding out over...

Five

Oh! My lovely friend Erin Bowman has a fantastic blog about writing, reading, and designing, which is one of my favorites. Unfortunately, Erin's Google Friends Connect got cut so if you follow her via GFC or your Blogger dashboard, please go here so you can resubscribe! 

Seriously, you don't want to miss Erin's posts! Especially her monthly book reviews, which I simply love. 

Six

Finally, please tell me what you're up to this weekend! Any fun plans? Just hangin' out? 

Since my week was rather busy, I plan on an easy weekend, full of revising and learning photography things and trying to whittle down my pile of library books. (Scorpio Races! State of Wonder! The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight!) What's in your reading pile, by the way? 

Have a fantastic weekend!

It's Not Easy Being Married to a Writer

Wedding Day! Bahaha, you're stuck with me now!

I feel bad for my husband sometimes.

As a wife, I have dozens of faults. I'm messy, you see. I don't fold laundry. (Hence, the mess.) I struggle with selfishness. I'm grumpy when I wake up and sometimes I'm grumpy for no reason at all.

Also, I snore. That can't be fun.

It can't be easy being married to me, due to the reasons mentioned above. And let's not forget my weakness for pricey shoes--ahem, pretty shoes!--and my tendency to clam up whenever Justin and I have a serious conversation. (Silent Treatment, how I cling to thee.)

But it really must be hard to be married to me because I am a writer. Writing is my dream, my love, my oldest and most sacred passion. I can't imagine a life, or even a day, without journaling or note-taking or book-scribbling. It's a part of my atoms.

It also happens to make me a little cuckoo.

You know what I mean, right? The ups and the downs, the snot-filled meltdowns. The sob sessions that last for hours, not to mention the hundreds of dollars poured into conferences and critiques and that darn SCBWI annual fee. There's also my little habit of drifting elsewhere whenever we're watching TV or gobbling sandwiches at Potbelly's. My brain is a constant haze of characters and plots and whatnots. It's almost like there are three people in in this marriage: him, me, and my books.

And yet, through it all, Justin takes me as I am. He doesn't have to support my cuckoo-brained dreams, but he does. He always has and I know he always will, even if it turns me into a cry-faced creature who can't stop wailing.

I haven't forgotten all the times he has been there for me....

- - - - -

One time, in 2009, I was querying my very first novel. I had been querying for about nine months and my timeline went something like this: rejection, rejection, REJECTION, REJECTION! Nothing but polite Thanks but no thanks.

But then...but then...I garnered a full request from a Very Important Agent! I squealed. A lot. In my mind, I mapped out all sorts of wondrous possibilities that included agency contracts and book contracts and bags o'money.

So it makes sense that my heart collapsed when I received the dreaded Thanks but no thanks email. I proceeded to spend two hours crying on Justin's shoulder, sobbing onto his shirt, telling him I was no good. I believe this is what I looked like:

Sofa AKA tissue

And Justin simply sat there--for two hours--holding me and wiping my tears and telling me that I had to believe in myself because I would get an agent.

He didn't give up on me. I'm so glad he didn't. Because he was right.

- - - - -

Let's backtrack a little further to 2008, when Justin and I had been married for about a year. 

We were living in North Carolina. Justin was a specialist in the Army while I was trying my hand at freelance writing. Our bank account was on the slim side, mostly because my freelancing paid me in pennies or oftentimes nothing at all. (Although I did get a gift certificate to Barnes & Noble once. Score!) 

One night, I could tell something was troubling Justin. He looked so tired, as if he had an anchor hanging between his shoulder blades. It took some prodding but I finally got him to open up. 

"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Nothing, just financial stuff."
"Um." (<-- commence Caroline clamming up.) 
"I've been thinking about getting another job. I can work nights somewhere."
"Why don't I just get a real job?" I said. "You already work, like, ten hours a day."
"I know but...."
"But what?"
"I want you to pursue your dreams." 

I really lucked out in the marriage department, didn't I?

(And no, he did not get a second job! I would not let him do that!) 

- - - - -

There are so many more examples of Justin's supportiveness and helpfulness. He's simply...amazing. The best husband I could have asked for, and the best friend I always wished for. Thank you, dear, for everything and more! I don't say that enough, do I?

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Much, much love.

Why Can't Women Support Each Other?

For the most part, I think women are really cool. 

Most of my friends are women. Most of the people I love are women (my sister, my niece). And most of the people I admire are women as well. 

Like Eleanor Roosevelt. 

And Elizabeth Cady Stanton. 

And Georgia O'Keefe. (Oh, her art makes my heart sing!) 

I guess I've been lucky in that I've always felt supported by the women around me. When I got into my top-choice college, my mom cheered me on. When I landed my first job, my friends were there to celebrate. I've been blessed to have such an awesome network of women-family and women-friends who lift me up when I'm down and who shout Hurrah! when I've done something cool. (Which isn't all too often. I'm not that cool!)

And so...I simply don't get it when women fail to support each other. Especially when one of us does something really, really cool.

Case in point: Janet Evans. A competitive swimmer, Evans won three gold medals at the '88 Seoul Olympics, at the wee age of 17. She went on to swim in two more Olympics, earning another gold and a silver medal before retiring from the sport.

But now, after a fourteen-year hiatus, at age 40, Janet Evans is making her return to competitive swimming. She has even qualified for the U.S. Olympic trials in June where she will race in the 400- and 800-meter freestyles.

Did I mention that she has two little kids as well?

So yeah, as I was reading this NYTimes article about Evans, I was simply blown away. A 40-year-old woman making a comeback in a sport that she dominated as a teenager! And she's a mother to boot! She's such an inspiration. I mean, this woman has drive and she has guts. She's the sort of person I'd like my future kids to look up to.

But not everyone feels the same. From the Times:

Evans said she had been criticized on social networking sites for training when she should be home with her children. But she has set up her schedule so her main swimming workout takes place in the morning, from 5:30 to 7:30, so she can make it home in time for breakfast. Her crazy hours are not lost on her daughter, who recently asked, “Why do you swim in the dark, Mommy?”

*Headdesk*

That quote deflated me like a day-old balloon.

I just don't get it.

Shouldn't we, as women, celebrate what Evans is doing? Shouldn't we, as women, cheer her on?

Why can't we support one another in the choices we make?

I think that's the crux of the issue here. If a woman chooses to raise two children and train for the Olympics, I support that. If a woman chooses to stay home with her kids, I support that. If a woman chooses not to have kids, I support that too.

Why must we fight and scratch and kick at each other's choices? Why can't we, as fellow women, offer support and cheering instead?

Because that's what I'll be doing when Janet Evans competes at the Olympic trials. I'm going to turn up the volume on my TV and clap my hands and cheer her to the finish line.

She's earned it.