February 25, 2008

Wahoo!


I'm going to be published in Highlights Magazine! Just got my contract in the mail today.


I'm trying not to get too excited because the editors reserve the right to "kill" my article in case they don't have room in the magazine. (Oh, the woes of the publishing world...) But I couldn't help myself from running back to my apartment after I got the mail today. I am so excited!

I'm not sure when the piece (which is about spacesuits) will be published but I am definitely looking forward to it!

February 20, 2008

Sickness and the Blue Man

I am sick. It kind of sucks. I find it quite ironic that the words "sick" and "suck" only differ by one small letter. That's very fitting in my opinion.

Yesterday I spent most of the day sleeping, drifting in and out of consciousness due to a steady stream of Nyquil. Justin tells me that I was only awake for about 7 hours out of the day. Such is the life of an invalid, I suppose.

There are a few perks about being sick though. For one thing, Justin was the best nurse I could ever ask for. When I woke up from my first coma, I found the kitchen stocked with my favorite sickness treats: orange gatorade, chicken noodle soup, cough drops, and even fruit mentos! He even offered to sleep on the couch so I could stretch out on our bed.

Secondly, I watched some pretty interesting shows during the few hours I was awake. For example, Oprah Winfrey interviewed a man who had blue skin! At first I thought he must have had some strange medical condition. But it turns out that he turned his skin blue on accident by putting colloidal silver on his face and limbs. He had a bad case of dermititis (sp?) and decided to fix the ailment himself by turning to a home remedy.


I know what you're thinking, ladies, and I'm sorry to say that the Blue Man is engaged! So you'll have to find another blue-tinged bachelor elsewhere...

February 13, 2008

The Little State That Could


"Maryland, which last went Republican for president in 1988, is a state that bleeds Democratic blue."

This quote was printed in Salon today and I couldn't have been prouder of my home state. Maryland! The little blue state that bleeds blue through and through. We may be small but we pack a strong liberal punch.

So here's to Maryland! It may be small. It may resemble a strange-looking pair of underwear. But us Marylanders are here to stay!

And now...for some random facts about the Old Line State:
1.) Maryland is comparable in size to the country of Belgium. (Is Belgium really that small?)
2.) Maryland's state sport is jousting.
3.) Maryland is the wealthiest state in the country! (Boo-ya California!)
4.) In 1790, Maryland ceded land to create the District of Columbia. Virginia gave some land too but later took it back. Dirty no-good Virginians...
5.) The Star-Spangled Banner was written in Fort McHenry, Maryland during the War of 1812.
6.) America's first umbrellas were manufactured in Baltimore, circa 1828.
7.) Famous Marylanders include: Thurgood Marshall, Frederick Douglass, Supreme Court Chief Justice Roger Taney (who was really, really racist), Spiro Agnew, Edgar Allen Poe, Babe Ruth, and the ever illustrious Toni Braxton.

February 6, 2008

The Nightmare on Huckabilly Street


My friends! I have seen the future---and let me tell you---it is a frightening place. Last night I had the most awful dream and I believe it may come true...

Come November 2008, John McCain and his running mate Mike Huckabee will win the nomination and storm to the White House. Their victory was made possible because three key Democratic states (California, Florida, and New York) sank into the ocean due to global warming. Experts blame the incident on Dick Cheney who in turn flees the country with his pockets stuffed with money he made off of the War in Iraq.

McCain is sworn into office in early 2009 but his tenure as president is cut drastically short. During his second month in office, McCain undergoes a botched clandestine surgery with the Hair Club for Men and he dies on the operating room table.

"It was an utter tragedy," explains the Jamaican doctor in charge of the operation. "He only wanted some hair-plugs, mon."

A week after the funeral, Mike "The Huckster" Huckabee is ushered into the most powerful position in the entire world. During his inauguration Huckabee takes it upon himself to deliver the opening prayer for the event. He states:

"Dear Sweet Lord Baby Jesus,
Thank you for being such a cute little baby,
Thank you for voting me president,
Thank you for my dear wife who submits to me every day.
Now that being said...
Please help me to rid this nation of our vile enemies like liberals, Democrats, atheists, feminists, Northerners, Californians, and oh, don't forget Mitt Romney,
Please help me to teach my fellow Americans that dinosaurs and evolution is all a bunch of hooey,
And please help me to further divide this country just like my predecessor George W. Bush has done.
Amen!"

Shortly after the inauguration, Huckabee moves the nation's capital from Washington, DC to his hometown of Little Rock. He also decrees that the United States of America will be known henceforth as the Confederacy of Huckabilly---a place where he reigns as king. (His wife is given the title of Most Gracious Servant.)

King Huckabee subsequently balls up the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence and throws the documents into the trash. Then he sits on his Arkansas throne and announces that every American will now be enlisted in a new Crusade for Christianity. Even Jews, Muslims, Sikhs, and Mormons are enjoined to "fight the imbeciles" and to "win souls for the cute little baby Jesus."

In a few short months, the U.S. is overtaken by the Chinese. (That's right, we're overtaken by my ancestors.) The Chinese sweep through the country and force every American to work in sweatshops or rice paddies or panda-breeding facilities. They also pump us full of opium to exact revenge on our 19th century imperialistic ways.

"Payback is bitch! Payback is bitch!" cries the Chinese president as he tramps across our country in a panda-drawn carriage. "Why not you vote for Obama?" Then he cackles loudly.

So there you have it: THE FUTURE. Ain't it purdy?