February 6, 2008

The Nightmare on Huckabilly Street

My friends! I have seen the future---and let me tell you---it is a frightening place. Last night I had the most awful dream and I believe it may come true...

Come November 2008, John McCain and his running mate Mike Huckabee will win the nomination and storm to the White House. Their victory was made possible because three key Democratic states (California, Florida, and New York) sank into the ocean due to global warming. Experts blame the incident on Dick Cheney who in turn flees the country with his pockets stuffed with money he made off of the War in Iraq.

McCain is sworn into office in early 2009 but his tenure as president is cut drastically short. During his second month in office, McCain undergoes a botched clandestine surgery with the Hair Club for Men and he dies on the operating room table.

"It was an utter tragedy," explains the Jamaican doctor in charge of the operation. "He only wanted some hair-plugs, mon."

A week after the funeral, Mike "The Huckster" Huckabee is ushered into the most powerful position in the entire world. During his inauguration Huckabee takes it upon himself to deliver the opening prayer for the event. He states:

"Dear Sweet Lord Baby Jesus,
Thank you for being such a cute little baby,
Thank you for voting me president,
Thank you for my dear wife who submits to me every day.
Now that being said...
Please help me to rid this nation of our vile enemies like liberals, Democrats, atheists, feminists, Northerners, Californians, and oh, don't forget Mitt Romney,
Please help me to teach my fellow Americans that dinosaurs and evolution is all a bunch of hooey,
And please help me to further divide this country just like my predecessor George W. Bush has done.

Shortly after the inauguration, Huckabee moves the nation's capital from Washington, DC to his hometown of Little Rock. He also decrees that the United States of America will be known henceforth as the Confederacy of Huckabilly---a place where he reigns as king. (His wife is given the title of Most Gracious Servant.)

King Huckabee subsequently balls up the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence and throws the documents into the trash. Then he sits on his Arkansas throne and announces that every American will now be enlisted in a new Crusade for Christianity. Even Jews, Muslims, Sikhs, and Mormons are enjoined to "fight the imbeciles" and to "win souls for the cute little baby Jesus."

In a few short months, the U.S. is overtaken by the Chinese. (That's right, we're overtaken by my ancestors.) The Chinese sweep through the country and force every American to work in sweatshops or rice paddies or panda-breeding facilities. They also pump us full of opium to exact revenge on our 19th century imperialistic ways.

"Payback is bitch! Payback is bitch!" cries the Chinese president as he tramps across our country in a panda-drawn carriage. "Why not you vote for Obama?" Then he cackles loudly.

So there you have it: THE FUTURE. Ain't it purdy?


  1. I too had this nightmare last night, and I'm a republican! Heaven help us if those two are put into office.

  2. That is officially the best dream ever. I kind of hope it comes true, or that they at least turn it into a movie. Seriously, Huckabee as (vice) President is the scariest thing ever.

    Thank goodness I think it'll never happen. I'm growing more convinced Obama's gonna win.

  3. lisa lazar7:05 PM

    then maybe you could run for empress of chinamerica!

    although I agree with aly. whether it's hilary or obama, the dems are gonna win by a landslide. although wouldn't it be fun if bloomberg ran? just to shake things up a little?

  4. This is hilarious. And terrifying.

    But I'm pretty sure if Florida, California, and New York sunk below the ocean it wouldn't be because of global warming (or even global climate change). I'm sure President Huckabee would explain that it was God's will--you know, it demonstrates his divine right to the throne.

  5. If McCain/Huckabee win, I'll make sure to move to China immediately. I want to be on the winning side of things. I hope if Obama loses the nomination that he will run as an independent. What do you think? Would he have a chance.

    Oh, and you are a very funny person, my friend. Thanks for the laugh. Mohamed will love your dream. He likes to yell at the TV whenever McCain or Huckabee come on.

  6. That is terrifying! And you are witty and smart and funny.

  7. Chinamerica is my new favorite word! I think I should refer to myself as a Chinamerican versus a Chinese-American. Genius! Lisa, you have started the biggest trend of 2008.

    Jame, I hope that Obama doesn't run as an independent if he loses the Democratic nomination. I think he would split the Democratic vote if he did so and thus pave the way for a McCain presidency. I really liked McCain back in 2000 but now I'm pretty wary of him. (Although I admire him for his stances on immigration and the Bush tax cuts.) It looks like Obama will likely win the nomination though! (Fingers tightly crossed.) Let's just hope he can garner more votes in Texas, Ohio, and Pennsylvania.

    Now I need to go bug my parents to go vote before the Maryland primary closes...

  8. Ah! Huckabee is soooo scary. He wants to rewrite the Constitution to match the Bible! Like, why is he running for Prez of the United States, land of free religion? Seriously!