September 18, 2007

The Life and Death of Herbert the Cyst

Three weeks ago I went to my doctor's office to have a cyst removed from my left hip. Technically the cyst was on my "left flank," which alludes that it may have been located on my derriere. But I didn't want people thinking that I had a tumor on my ass so I decided "left hip" sounded better than "on the upper portion of my left flank."

In the past few months Justin and I have grown a little fond of the small bump on my left hip. My husband even named it Herbert and he would often ask me how Herbert was doing. But alas we couldn't keep Herbert for long. Although he posed no real danger to my health, I found it annoying to have a little bump on my body so I made an appointment to have Herbert removed.

So at ten in the morning I went to the surgical clinic with my husband in tow. He was there for some moral support, but mostly because the nurses cautioned me that I shouldn't drive after the procedure. Justin had his own reasons for coming too---he wanted to see the surgery firsthand. Surprisingly, the nurse was incredibly accomodating and made room for Justin in the surgical room.

My doctor was a barrel of a man who looked like he could have lived in the Wild West. He had a white bushy beard and a double-wide chest. For a moment I thought he would give me a shot of whisky and a stick to bite down on before he hacked away at my body. But luckily he was a little more modern than that. He numbed up my bottom with a pint of local anesthesia and I felt absolutely nothing as he chopped away with his scalpel.

Now the gross part. It turns out sweet little Herbert was not sweet at all. It turns out he was an oil gland gone awfully awry. Once the cyst was removed, it was nearly the size of a golf ball! I can vouch for the size because Dr. Frontier showed it to me after he took it out. Gross. That was in my body? Suffice to say, my iron-stomached husband looked a little green after the surgery was over.

Three weeks later the stitches are out and I am now the proud owner of a nasty-looking scar. Justin says it will fade in a few months, but I think it looks kind of cool. It's my battle wound.

R.I.P Herbert


  1. Now we both have big scars on our flanks. Mine is my lower right flank, not in ass territory but close. I think mine looks cool too, it shows I was penetrated by a tree!

    Anyhow... I never knew a butt zit could go so awry! Good to know if I ever feel a golf ball protruding from my butt.

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  3. Alyson10:39 PM

    What?!? Yuck for surgery! Anyone who goes through ANY surgery of any kind automatically garners all sorts of respect from me. I fear it.

    But, I am glad for you that the golf ball is gone, because I can't imagine it would be comfortable to have one in your rump.

  4. Wow, Caroline! I bet you are so glad you got Herb removed!

  5. And what of Herbert? Did they let you take him home in a jar? I mean, he was a part of you, after all. You could threaten to show Herbert to your childrens' friends as punishment for bad behavior. Just a thought.

  6. Funny you asked, Jame!

    Justin and I did ask the doctor if we could keep Herbert, but he just gave us a strange look and said "You really don't want to keep this."

    But wouldn't it be great if we could have kept him in a jar? The doctor said that Herbert was a result of me eating too much junk food. (To my credit I really have tried to eat healthily for awhile.)

    It would be GREAT if we could have used Herbert to scare our future kids into eating their fruits and vegetables. We could have taken him out at key moments and yelled, "Do you want Herbert to grow on YOUR bum? No? Then eat your broccoli!"