In Praise of Sleep, Naps, and Down Comforters

If I was crowned the grand empress of the world, this would be my first decree: Stop what you're doing and take a nap.

That's right, go to sleep. Right now. I'll only excuse you if you are a doctor performing a life-saving surgery or if you are a pilot steering a mumbo-jumbo plane. Aside from circumstances like these, put your head down and start counting sheep. I don't care if you are in a meeting or eating fondue or spying on your neighbor. Go to bed.

There is a great shortage of sleep in the world and this makes me very unhappy. For instance, this morning I had to peel myself from my bed to get ready for work. I was in the midst of a wonderful dream when I was lurched awake by my dreaded cell-phone alarm clock. And now I'm at work---a little grumpy and a lot tired. All I want to do is lay down on my cubicle floor and take a nap.

I have always been a fan of sleep. In fact, my passion for sleep extends back to my birth. According to my father, I was still asleep when I came out of the womb. The doctor slapped my little butt, I let out a little wail, and then I shut my eyes and went back to sleep. Apparently taking a nap was more important than exploring my new surroundings.

Since my birth, I've always been one of those people who needs 8 or more hours of sleep per night. I can survive on 7 hours for a few days, but it becomes progressively harder for me to get up. This is why I never graduated from early-morning seminary. Class at 6:15AM? No thanks! Forget about temporal blessings---I'd rather sleep! This past October I even slept for a record-breaking 20 hours straight. It felt absolutely marvelous. Some people say excessive sleep is a waste of time. I say to these people: to hell with you!

What our world needs now is a little bit of love and a lot more of sleep. I am an adamant believer that more sleep can bring about world peace. Just think about it: War is noisy. War destroys clean sheets and soft beds. War prevents people from getting a good night of rest. Tired and grumpy people cause more war. It's a vicious cycle.

So why don't we sleep a little more? More sleep means more happiness. More happiness means more peace. More peace means...more sleep.

And this is why you should vote for me to become the Empress of the Earth, the great bringer of world sleep. I mean peace.