Me: *Sobs* I hate writing! It's too hard! I can't do this anymore!
Brain: You need to slap yourself. Stop crying, for the love of God.
Me: *Sobs*
Brain: Ugh, fine. Whatever. If you're going to quit writing, then what're you going to do next?
Me: Um...?
Brain: Careers? Professions? What's the plan?
Me: *Thinks for a long time* I don't love anything more than writing.
Brain: Good. Now, stop crying. Pick up your laptop and get back to work.
Me: Yes, Brain. Thank you, Brain. Sometimes, I kind of hate you, Brain.
I'm sure all of you can totally relate! I mean, don't we all have pretend conversations with our brains? Why, just yesterday my Brain and I were taking a walk and discussing who should win So You Think You Can Dance this season...
But I digress.
So yeah. There are moments when I seriously want to give up writing. But then I think about how empty my life would be if I didn't type another word, if I didn't write another story. And that's not the kind of life I want. BUT! If the following three jobs happened to exist, I might be tempted to put novel-writing on the back burner, at least for a few years or so.
1. JEDI KNIGHT!
Seriously, folks. How freaking awesome would it be to become a Jedi Knight?! Cool light saber, awesome robes, meetings with Yoda! I could zip around the galaxy in my uber-cool spaceship and zap Sith Lords with my uber-neat saber skills. And I'd have the Force! I could move things with my mind and find the remote control with the swish of my hand.
In one word: bad-assery.
(Yeah, that's definitely not a real word.)
2. PANDA RANCHER!
I totally made up this job but you know what? I don't care! 'Cause what would be more awesome than a panda rancher? I'd spend my days cuddling with cute baby pandas, cultivating my bamboo crops for them to eat, and then cuddling with more pandas at night!
Pandas don't kill people, right? Hmm, I should do more research on this...
3. HOGWARTS ART TEACHER!
When it comes to employment opportunities at Hogwarts, I'm not terribly qualified for any of them.
Herbology? I'm awful with plants.
Quidditch Instructor? I'm bad at sports, even magical ones.
Gameskeeper? Love animals. Hate shoveling poop.
But Hogwarts is in desperate need of an art teacher, don't you think? Dumbledore should definitely hire me! I mean, I'm pretty good with paints and watercolors. (OK, not really.) I can draw. (Kind of.) And I can make ceramics! (Maybe.) I'm super qualified! Plus, I think Hogwarts could use a few more talking portraits, right? And who better to tackle such a job than a Muggle like myself? Equal employment opportunity, yo!
There you have it! Those are the 3 jobs I would gladly take in case I ever give up writing. (I'd also be more than happy to captain the Starship Enterprise. Make it so!) Anyone hear of any job openings?
So what sort of fantastical jobs would you guys want to tackle? Come one! I know you have one!
