April 24, 2011
A Letter to the Flatulent Passenger on My Flight
Look, we've all been in your situation before. I'm sure every one of us has felt a little gassy in a cramped space, whether it's an elevator or a crowded bar or (in your case) an airplane. It happens. Gas happens. Farts happen. I get that.
That's why I forgave you when you let one rip the first time. Hey, no worries! It's all good! Sometimes we don't have enough time to shuffle to the restroom.
But then you farted again--and that's when I got a little mad. See, your farts really stank. They stank so much that I thought someone had put a butt-scented helmet over my head. Still, I'm a forgiving person. And so, I forgave you for your stinky, smelly, poopy fart.
But then...but then...you did it AGAIN! At that point, I had had enough. I looked around the plane, hoping to shoot you the evil eye, but I couldn't find you. You're probably one of those people who enjoy the smell of your farts, aren't you? Aren't you?!
So...um...please stop farting whenever you're flying. 'Cause it smells. Really bad. Like, really really bad. I didn't say anything to you this time around but the next time? You better watch out! If we're ever on the same flight again, I might have to put a stinky helmet on your head.