January 8, 2008

Behold! The Worst Book Ever Written

When I was in college, my friend Mike held a Bad Movie Club at his house every week. On Wednesday or Thursday evenings a group of BYU students and Provo-ites gathered to watch horrendously awful movies. Like "From Justin to Kelly," which really is awful.

If I was to start a Bad Book Club, then "The Wednesday Letters" by Jason F. Wright would be at the top of the list. I mean, this book isn't just bad. It's baaaaaaad. Not only is the prose cliche and the characters completely one-dimensional, the entire storyline is cheesy and melodramatic. The icing on the cake? An overt---and kind of laughable---anti-abortion message. Ugh.

Now I'm having an internal debate if I should attend my real-life book club this upcoming Thursday. Yep. Our book of the month is "The Wednesday Letters" and I think I might ruin everyone else's evening once I open my big mouth. I usually try my best to refrain from making too many comments and I usually try to give each book the benefit of the doubt. But I know I can't stop myself from yelling "THIS IS THE WORST BOOK I HAVE EVER READ!" and thus spoil everyone's dinner. (We're meeting at a restaurant.)

To prove my point, here are some passages from the story:

1.) Some background information on this passage: main character Malcolm returns to his hometown after spending two years in South America. He still is fiercely in love with his high school sweetheart Rain who is now engaged to a man named Nathan. Rain originally broke up with Malcolm because she wanted to stay a virgin until she was married and he wanted to rip her clothes off.

"Malcolm eventually learned to appreciate, even admire, [Rain's] faithful chastity. Now it crushed Malcolm to know Nathan was poised to be the beneficiary of her purity."

Ummmm...excuse me? The phrase "beneficiary of her purity" caused huge red flags to wave in my face. I mean, are we still living back in the middle ages when chastity belts were still in vogue? MISOGYNY ALERT!

2.) Some background information on this passage: Malcolm and Rain finally see each other after two years and they talk on the porch swing at Malcolm's parent's house.

"What about your dreams?" Malcolm asked.
"Give me a house full of children who call me Mommy, a man who loves me and who writes me a poem or two now and again, and maybe who can make me a swing like this one, and my dreams will find their way to true," said Rain.

Ummmm...do any real women talk like this? Sure, a lot of women want to be a mom and they want a good man to marry. But this dialogue just gagged me. Blech, blech, blech. I demand to know who edited this book!

Anyway, the only good thing about this entire ordeal is that my friend Liz lent the book to me. Whew. I'm so glad I didn't spend any of my money on this piece of stinky elephant poop. I truly believe more of my brain cells would have survived if I had spent the time smoking pot.

11 comments:

  1. lisa lazar1:40 PM

    I don't know if you read Christmas Jars, but blech. I couldn't handle that one either. And people love this guy! I think it's just the idea of giving (or getting!) a Christmas jar or love notes each Wednesday. But the beneficiary of her purity?? wow. Anyway, I say go to that book club! Maybe if you rant enough, you can choose next month's! And thanks for the recommendation. Or whatever. :)

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  2. I just couldn't believe The Wednesday Letters was on the NY Times Bestseller list! It completely baffles me...

    I think I'm going to go to book club! I might not be able to hold in my fury towards the book, but at least I can vote on next month's book. Which better be good! :)

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  3. At least you didn't have to read a Nicholas Sparks book. BLARGH.

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  4. Oh, Aly! I think Jason Wright may have Nicholas Sparks beat. I don't know if I can find any author worse than Wright is.

    Yes, even Nicholas Sparks...

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  5. lisa lazar4:16 PM

    so how's book club go?

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  6. I found your blog from Sunstone. I had no idea there was such a huge forum for this type of thought. I look forward to checking back on your daily rants.

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  7. Yea! Double-standards STINK! In Armenia a lot of the young men went to prostitutes. But of course the women had to be virgins. WTF?

    Nicholas Sparks is also bleghhhhhh icky.

    Le sigh. It is so hard being a super-intelligent and awesome female these days.

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  8. The worst book ever is The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by the infamous Dr. L. I nearly got thrown out of book club when we discussed it. Ugh.

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  9. grant's mom12:18 AM

    anything by richard paul evans will cause me to retch for days.

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  10. Sue - Wow! I just looked up that book on Amazon. Yikes...I probably would have been kicked out of your book club too. :)

    Grant's Mom - I totally agree. Richard Paul Evans, Nicholas Sparks, and now Jason Wright. Blech, blech, blech.

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  11. The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands isn't a bad book, it's just sort of like "Obvious life tips". Basically, she says give the guy sex when he wants, and he'll walk to the ends of the earth and back to get you a latte.

    Nicholas Sparks' books are great for a laugh. I've picked up a few when they were left at a rented condo, and I had fun imagining the smoldering looks the characters were giving each other. Because that's pretty much all they do--smolder at each other, and then have sex.

    That first passage from your book was also hilarious. Who uses words like "poised" when talking about sex? It sounds like he's a ballet dancer ready to lift her up ala Sugar Plum fairy, and have sex on a stage, complete with orchestra playing.

    Man, WHY haven't I published a book like that? I could make millions!

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