Oh, to be on Oprah!

Okay, I'm kind of a big Oprah fan. Love her magazine. Love her show. In high school, I used to watch her program every afternoon while I did my math homework. Man, she almost made calculus bearable. (Almost but not quite! Calculus sucks ass.) 

So I poked around Oprah's website a couple days ago, hoping to find tickets to her show for her last season. Lo and behold, I found a link that read, "Be on the Show," and I clicked on it right away. Wahoo! I might have the chance to see Oprah live! 

Alas, the link didn't lead me to find tickets. Instead, it offered a chance to actually be on the show as a guest! Even better! But...alas again. After reading through the topics, I didn't meet any of the criteria that the Oprah staff is looking for. Case in point:

"Have You Experienced a Miracle? Please tell us about your miracle story."

Um, I can sleep a lot. About five years ago, I slept for twenty hours straight. I even called into work to say I was "very sick." Total lie. I was just tired and depressed after a terrible break-up. So...does that count?

There was also the time when I was drowning in a lake and the Virgin Mary herself pulled me out of the water. Then, a unicorn carried me to the hospital and my doctor was George Clooney from ER. But nah, that's not a miracle. I mean, unicorns are a dime a dozen.

"Do You Know the Ultimate Male Oprah Fan? Is your husband the biggest Oprah viewer out there?"

Erm, my husband kind of thinks Oprah is silly. But...I will definitely find the Ultimate Male Oprah Fan come hell or high water if this means I can go on your show! Or I can bribe my husband into pretending that he is the Ultimate Male Oprah Fan... *Schemes*

"Are You Having Sex With a Stranger You Met Online? There are millions of women using online sites to look for quick, emotionless sex with strangers. We are looking for women to share their stories." 

Aieeeeee! Seriously, Oprah staff? There are millions of women using online sites for "quick, emotionless sex?! Who are these classy, upstanding ladies? Anyhow, I certainly don't qualify for this particular topic (I prefer to find my emotionless sex from the classifieds, thank you very much!) but I would love, love, love to attend this show. Sounds juicy! 

Have any of you guys been to the Oprah show? (Totally jealous!) Or do any of you have an "in" so I can get tickets? Pretty please? Haha.